Boy Scout Laws for Husbands

Applying the Rules

This may sound strange, but I believe there's a perfectly logical explanation for why husbands behave the way they do. Boy Scouts. That's right. Boy Scouts.

It's true, ladies. All our husbands really need to know about life they learned in Boy Scouts. Do you have any idea how many boys have come through the ranks of that noble organization since Lord Robert Baden-Powell founded it in 1908? 110 million. And what happened to all of them? They grew up and married us!

Once loyal little members of Troop Number Whatever, they learned the oath and the secret handshake and how to tie knots and build fires and set broken bones. They also learned to live by the Scout laws. Unfortunately for us, they're still living by them. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Trustworthy: You can trust him to forget your anniversary, and the middle names and ages of your children. You can trust him to fall asleep during "Eat, Pray, Love”, and you can always trust him to go out two days before his own birthday to purchase a new putter like the one you were going to surprise him with.

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Loyal. He is loyal to his ugly plaid flannel shirt with the frayed collar and torn pocket. He is loyal to the Baltimore Colts, even if he can't keep up with what town they're from this year. Above all, he's loyal to his car, and gets furious if you put even the tiniest ding in the passenger door!

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Helpful. He will gather up six loads of laundry and wash everything together on hot. Then, an hour before your dinner party, he will dismantle your dishwasher.

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Friendly. Although he typically avoids verbal communication, he does become downright chatty on one occasion – when you've just walked in the door from work and only have five minutes to shower and change before a charity committee meeting. That's when he calls, lonely and bored, from an out-of-town business trip, and wants to discuss his great idea of turning the spare bedroom into a Bed and Breakfast.

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Courteous. He graciously holds the door open so you can carry in thirteen bags of groceries.

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Kind. He gives you a cheese-slicer for Christmas. He lets the kids beat him at checkers. He brings you the baby when she needs a clean diaper.

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Obedient. You say, "Sweetheart, please stop on the way home for some milk”, and he does. You say, "Honey, please zip up my dress”, and he does. You say, "Now Darling don't do anything special for my birthday this year, and he doesn't. (Then he acts all confused when you don't speak to him for three days.)

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Cheerful. Especially when he wakes up at six o'clock on a Saturday morning. He sings, "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog” in the shower, even without knowing all the words.

A Boy Scout (Husband) Is Thrifty. He goes ape at the sight of a teensy little overdraft on your account. If he had his way, the entire house would be lit with one single forty-watt bulb.

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Brave. He checks under bed for monsters and rides the scariest rides at Six Flags. He isn't afraid to put worms on a fish hook.

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Clean. He puts the soap in the soap dish (with hair stuck to it). He flushes the commode (but he leaves the seat up). He puts his yard-mowing shoes in the closet (after tracking wet grass all the way through the house to get there).

A Boy Scout (Husband) is Reverent. He sits through his daughter's piano recital in dutiful silence. He watches "Bridge on the River Kwai” with tears in eyes. He isn't reverent, however, when coaching his son's baseball team.

And there they are. The laws that govern our husbands' behavior, as well as the behavior of 2,588,326 Boy Scouts currently registered in the United States who will become the husbands of the future.

Considering their effect on us, I personally think Lord Baden-Powell should have thought through those laws a little more carefully. At the very least, he should have consulted Mrs. Baden-Powell. She would certainly have added one more. "A Boy Scout Is Romantic.”

Every husband would do well to obey that one. Scout's honor.